Isolé

Solitary is like a cup of coffee.

It look so attracting and surreal.

But much of the people are drinking for the sake of drinking.

May i be the one?

I think so.

I am trying to understand bits by bits of this cup of coffee.

Is it blue? Is it bitter? Is it salty? 

Maybe the taste is not the taste that we tasting. 

Imaginations are always so powerful and yet destructing. 

Think alot, worry alot. Things that may yet be real or may yet be fake.

I am confused, not because of the reality, but is me that i am confused.

Whimsy is a choice. Same goes to solitary or in plain word loneliness.

I am not lonely, I am just anticipating loneliness.

Or learning to anticipate if to be exact.

打喷嚏

一个人，
随着心情，走进一间无名书店。
拿着第一本蓝色封面伦理，‘你说我不懂’。
接着第二本绿色封面哲学，‘世界太大还是遇见你，世界太小还是丢了你’。
第三本红色封面小说，‘我的微笑，你明白就很好’。
翻着一页又一页，音乐换了一首接一首。
人依旧没变，有些习惯想改却改改不了。
变着的， 也许是心情吧。
书架上有好多好多书，换了一本又一本。
累了，就坐在角落。
心想别找了吧，也许根本就不在找书。也许。。。非诚忽扰？
一个人的咖啡，
咖啡冷却了，可以硬着头皮喝。
微笑着，味道没变，还是如此喜欢。
没有特别喜欢怎样的咖啡。
有些苦中带甜，甜中带涩，甜中带苦，苦中带苦。
但是一旦喜欢上了，就无法改变。
当着秋千，享受着在空中的感觉。
力道刚好，感觉微妙。
谁能保证力道不会变。
力道太大，就必须承受跌下来的痛。
力道太小，就必须懂体会静止的瞬间。
没有人说不好，没有人说很好。
无论跌下来还是静止，都是一种领悟。微妙的感觉，如此贴切，如此逼真。
幸福的是，你拥有着力道。不幸的是，你无法说停就停
趁时间还没发现，太多人太多事，
我想起了那首歌是怎样唱的，
若是不曾走过，怎么懂。

无论是书，咖啡，秋千，都一样。

不安•消失

原来坚强和孤独都是一样，都需要付出代价。

原来很多事情都一样，不是你的就勉强不了。

原来当你以为你到达新的目的地，其实你连奔跑的权利都没有。

原来上天跟你开个玩笑，你可以变得如此卑微和廉价。

原来注定的东西，想改也改不了。

原来我以为我一直在磨合，只不过是在配合。

原来我得到是意外，得不到是应该。

28天

懵懵懂懂的二月，带着淡淡的忧伤。
选择的季节，总会有人迷路吧。
无病呻吟着的，听得出内心的呐喊吗？
 心里有个迷，着迷的是自己。
什么流言蜚语，总该会有一个终点。
迷茫中寻找的是什么？
黑暗里摸索的又是什么？
也许早有了一个答案，而勇气总是老跑。
炎热的太阳，烧毁的不只是人的情绪，而是信念。
世界上最肮脏的莫过于自尊心，我才懂得。
活得这么大，难道没有伤心的权利吗？
难道没有质疑生活的权利吗？
等待一个时间表，表里写着的是未来。
我在哪儿？我现在在哪儿？
。
。。
。。。
。。。。
。。。。。
我一直都没走，不动地留在原地。

二月的懵懂，看来又是一场煎熬。

你不懂我 我不怪你

     你总说我淡然，其实你不知道，我只是假装让往事如烟。自从来到这烟火人间，我就深深地知道，月缺多于月圆，人生没有永远。

　　你总说我自私，守着自己的世界，格格不入，其实你不知道，我只是害怕受伤。不遇，便可不念；不念，便可不殇。

　　你总说我不懂爱，其实你不知道，我只是不想万劫不复，而我我恰恰太容易给了爱。爱容易，相忘难，腹水难收。

　　每个人都有一个死角，自己走不出来，别人也闯不进去，习惯把最深沉的秘密放在那里，你不懂我，我不怪你。每个人都有一道伤口，或深或浅，盖上布，以为不存在，我把最殷红的鲜血涂在那里。你不懂我，我不怪你…我们只是输给了时间。

　　这世上最伤人一句话是：回不去了，最可怕的一句话是：习惯了。走了太久，孤独了太久，习惯了一个人上路，习惯了把最炙热的情感所在无人可以窥视的角落，习惯了自己的伤口自己舔，习惯了自己的心酸自己尝，习惯了黑夜的冷清……习惯了，所以好像觉得理所当然，习惯了，所以心安理得。所以，你不懂我，我不怪你，只是输给了习惯。

　　也许，岁月太会把人戏。

　　也许，我太坚强，坚强到没心没肺

　　也许，你眼中的我，太会照顾自己

　　也许我太会隐藏自己的悲伤

　　也许我太会安慰自己的伤痕

　　也许，你也只是习惯了……

　　所以，你从不考虑我的感受

　　所以，你可以随意将我伤害……

　　有些时候懂了就是懂了，不懂得，你解释依旧不懂。你不懂我，我不怪你。不是为了显示自己大度，也不是显得自己有多高尚，只是想让你明白：话不投机半句多。

　　于是，我常常凝眸浅笑，静而不语。

Calling beneath

A little incident today make my day.

What my hearts feel ( explicit ) :

I really can't withstand my so-call-friends. ( should I named them as friend? Yeah, i think so because friend's definition is just someone you spent long time to work with ) You expect so much things from me. I tried to fulfill your expecation one by one without any complains. And yet i know today i know i did something wrong and i feel guity about it. But hey man, it is just a 10min presentation. What so hard for you to help me to present. Do you think this is really what i want? Do i fucking want the traffic jam to be there? Yeah, sorry if i offended you. But let me tell you all one thing, all of your reaction offended me as well. I may be introvert, i may be someone who seldom express my own feelings, but don't take this as advantage on me. I am truly disappointed today, and seriously i am fed up with you all. Talking about disappointment, i always the one who review myself whatever that out from my mouth to prevent damage to other feelings. And yeah, congratulation! You all did that. You all get me pissed off. I don't think you all neither deserve my commitment anymore nor my feelings. I will just S.F.T.U and do my own thing from now on.

What my brains want to say :

There is an inspiring incidents happened today. Am wondering what is the definition of friends or collegue? You thought you are the one who defined it but it is kinda funnny that one day you realize that everything is predefined.

You try to change something. So hard, so hard. Until a point, where you lose hope. Losing what that make you ticks, losing all the faith you got.

Bashed by outer disappointed. Outer disappoinment is caused by you yourself. You deserved it. But what bugging you is the inner disappointment. You put in faith as in you still believe in true friendship, the time where you will be the support for others and others to support you. But sorry to say that, that why won't be happening. Life is cruel and yet judgemental ( i bet you knew it ). But you the one who let yourself get confused.

You are wearing a mask to everyone. I know you are against it, but funny thing about it is that you signed up to this. You are the one who got yourself in this shit. Succumb to failure, disappointment. Life followed by eroding hope and faith. 

You are not yourself, you are Joash that constantly lurking in some whirpool. You can't get yourself out or helps. 

You need helps and i hope you think you really deserve it. But who is going go help you? Your so-called-friend? A? B? C? She?

I need you back, Wayne.

墙角的玫瑰

其实很认真。玩笑只不过是没信心。

设了一个不能超越的界限。才发现原来最可笑的不是现实，

而是自己。

不是到不了，而是中途迷了路。以为想得很透彻，也许无知更好。

就继续冰封下去吧。

非诚忽扰。